So a lot of decisions have been arising in mu life, but mainly who is God calling me to be?
We women have a tendency to compare each others lives we forget that what works for that family may not work for our and there are many reasons for that. May we live similar lives, of course but, what I do know is God has a different calling for us all! The question still remains, what is MY calling?
When I was a teenager I never would have imagined my life with me being a stay at home mom, seriously NEVER. Then however I gave birth to such a precious baby girl who changed my life forever, she changed my hope, dreams, and desires, I didn't want to go back to work, I was enraged that I had to leave my helpless child while I went to some meaningless unrewarding job. Since then, I have always desired strongly to be a stay at home mom, there are endless benefits. Now here I am two beautiful baby girls later and I am a stay at home mom, and I LOVE it, I love being with them every waking moment being there for every single milestone made, I see how happy they are that they are with me! However there are endless sacrifices when it comes to the things of this world, as a Christian wife and mother, I am learning to see them for what they are, "things" these things are NOT of my Fathers kingdom, I will not take any of them with me to my permanent dwelling in His kingdom. For the time in this world however, there are "things" necessary for survival, some are luxuries, and some are dreams. Do I sit idol and never accomplish those dreams?
I am beginning to see the sacrifices of living on one income more and more, and wondering if my roll is to simply stay in the home? What can I offer my family that will make these dreams of ours come true? Does being a Christian mean that I have to be in the home? I do not think it takes a SAHM to raise a Godly family, nor do I believe I need to be in the home 24/7 to guide my household, and more importantly am I being the best helpmate to my husband by staying at home? My dream used to be, becoming a Registered Nurse, once I had kids they became my dream, and school was put on hold until they were a little more self sufficient, if ever. While I LOVE being home 24/7 with my kids, I am seeing the struggles of one income affecting my emotions and patience with them. I am beginning to question if throwing my dreams aside is the best decision for my family, we have financial struggles that we wouldn't have if I worked, so much added stress, and uncertainty eating away at me. I see dreams of owning a home drifting further and further away at an alarming rate. I see us standing still not moving forward simply STUCK! Shaun has three years left to complete his electrical hours before he can sit and take the state test, even when he passes (and I know he will because he is amazingly brilliant) his job will always be affected by the economy, what do we do then? Decisions, decisions.
Why I want to be a Nurse. I want to help people, I want to save lives, I want to be there when new life enters this world, help those scared patents by offering my skills, compassion, and comfort. I can do so much in that field. Being a nurse at a hospital means I would be working three 12 hour shift so that is just 12 days a month working and I could always work that out around my Husbands schedule, I could work nights, weekends, whatever so that my children were with their mom or dad not daycare, and that is if I chose to work full time which is not the goal but I know a fresh nurse takes whatever job she can get because everyone wants someone with experience. Finally, the money is amazing it would provide that comfort, the dream of owning our own house, fixing the car when it need fixing, complaining about gas but being able to afford the increase, getting the kids in dance, soccer, baseball, cheer, or whatever they want and most importantly having more babies! I want at least one and maybe two more, but with our income now we cannot afford anymore children and that breaks my heart. I want a baby so badly (yes already) I love the age difference my kids are now it is perfect for us but nope no more kids right now because financially we can't afford it, yes I could be selfish and get pregnant anyways but that is wrong, I refuse to bring children into this world that I cannot pay for! I feel like I have been called to do so much in so many peoples lives through nursing, choosing this career will be a hard sacrifice because school is so intense for two years and I would be away from my kids most of the week, but at least this sacrifice has an end date, there is a huge light at the end of the tunnel, the reward is so great!
I fell like this is who God is calling me to be! I will help save lives, I will comfort a scared mother, I will make a sick child laugh, I will be all that I can be, I will raise my children in the way they should go, I will have more children, I will guide my household, I will be a better helpmate for my husband, I will chase the American dream, because that is who I feel I am called to be!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I am beyond frustrated and feel like some venting may help my pregnant hormones come down a few notches.
So when it comes to the family I came from.... well lets just say its not the prettiest family tree to say the least. I have always just kinda went with the flow when it comes to them but as I am now a mother to a spectacular daughter and another princess on the way I can't help but become more and more angry with my family.
First, I do not associate my-self with my biological father for very disgusting reasons. I don't care to get into it since that chapter in my life is completely closed and I am extremely grateful for it!
Second, when it comes to my mother during my childhood I have very fond memories. However, once I was about 15 things changed as I seemed to be too much drama for my mother to handle. She has never agreed with any decision I have ever made which is completely fine with me because if I had listened to any of her immature suggestions I am pretty darn sure I would be completely miserable!
I have always had third place with my mother, #1 husband #2 brother, and I think #3 is me but I could definitely be further down the list. I love my brother unconditionally! My family idolizes him beyond belief, my whole family is always concerned as to what Cody is doing, to say the least they care far more for him than I. I never ever receive phone calls just to say hi or even to see how their FIRST great granddaughter, or granddaughter is doing, its always about Cody is he ok? Is he into bad things? etc etc etc. I have always just kept it all bottled in on how it absolutely kills me that they don't ever seem to truly care about my life or my children. My brother and I personally are extremely close and I love him to death he has the most amazing heart ever and am so thankful that I at least have one family member who truly loves me unconditionally! I know my grandparents love me but they too are more concerned with Cody, they give him money like its candy and everything else he so desires. Good for him I'm so glad they at least have taken care of him far more than I ever could have dreamed to receive from them. I never ever received the boat loads of cash my brother receives on a weekly basis.
I was lucky enough to be thrown out at 17, granted I was not an easy child by any means. But you have to ask your self why would I have been I never had any guidance and was always left alone since my mother and her new husband were far too busy vacationing it up every chance they got. I mean come on you leave a teenager home alone fore weekends and weeks at a time they are bound to party. My mother seemed to have no problem letting me live with a divorced man and his daughter whom she had never once met in person. At the time I thought nothing of this now that I am a mother OVER MY DEAD BODY would my beloved child go live with a man whom I did not know regardless of how close her and her friend may be that is utterly disgusting to me now.
Anyways on to current issues I have with her. Brooke turned 1 in April my mother who lives 5 mins away has seen her 3 times since then mind you its almost October! I guess I had high hopes that once my daughter was here she would have some sort of grandma instinct go off and become a better mother and and incredible grandmother, but again I have been disappointed to say the least. What kills the most is I am always the one calling her to say hi, when she calls me its almost only to find out if I know what my brother is up too? I was so excited the other day when I got a phone call from my Grandpa, he never calls me, I had missed the call and it went to voicemail and his message was sooo sweet, i called him back the moment I could and he said hello asked about Brooke we talked about my life for maybe 3-5 mins before it turned into a conversation about my brother, we recently switched cars he wanted to know what things were done to it and what needed to be done and blah blah blah by then end of the conversation I was doing everything I could to not cry and just yell at the top of my lungs, ARE YOU KIDDING ME YOU NEVER EVER CALL ME AND YOU CANT FIND ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY TO ME BUT STUFF ABOUT MY BROTHER?!?!? Am I really that insignificant? If I would have known that all I needed to do was smoke weed everyday, refuse to talk to them for a couple years, total a car, continue to smoke and drink in front of there faces would in return give me tons of money, nice cars and everything else you can think of would have earned there desperation for me to love them that they would do anything I asked at the drop of a dime..... well that unfortunately is not who I am!
Well today my frustrations could no longer be bottled up after I received a pretty nasty message from my mother, and of course she is playing the martyr "well I guess I know where I stand" " I can't believe you think that low of me" um no mother calling you out on only seeing your first grandchild 3 times in the last 6 months and btw only one time was it her only intent to see Brooke the other two times were a simply fluke as we had stopped by to visit my brother and they happened to be there, that is not knocking you down its to bring the truth to your attention! I am done trying to hold a place in a family where it is pretty clear I am just trying to walk through a wall its impossible and I realize that now. I have accepted that my daughter just missed out on the whole grandparent experience. Its sad but I would rather her be surrounded by positive ppl who genuinely love her.
I am however extremely blessed to have met my husband when I did if I had not I don't think my life would be what it is today actually I am sure of it I would have spun down a hole I probably never would have crawled out of. I have the best friend I could ever have asked for as she in many instances has taken on a bigger role than just a best friend, when I look back at high school it was her mom Doreen that was my comfort my shoulder to cry, when I would talk about what drama I had at that time which is a lot for a teenage girl my mom would just look at me and say oh my God what more drama could you possibly have now, at least I had her mom when I so needed a simple hug and shoulder to cry on. What is so sad is whenever I see a like page on facebook regarding mothers I have never clicked on one because it would be a lie. You should see my facial expressions when I am looking for a mothers day card there is a lot of rolling my eyes, because not one applies to the relationship I have with her. Its sad but I am honestly thinking that maybe its time to let go of them and move on I am tired of wishing I had a real mom knowing that it will never happen. Maybe its best to just cut them out?